Barbarella's diary / Entry 2: "Metamorphosis"

Written on 31. December 2023

Diary entry 2: "Metamorphosis":

Another week has passed and so it's time for a new diary entry from my eventful life.

Today is New Year's Eve and therefore time to think back. I am currently undergoing a metamorphosis. 🐛🦋

Metamorphosis from caterpillar to butterfly

Let's start with a look back!

My past year was a disaster in pretty much every respect🙄:

It started with my beloved dog and best friend Balu going in sick with cancer in 2023. I had known since December 2022 that he had a very aggressive soft tissue tumour. Although my financial situation was already catastrophic at the time, I did everything I could to give him the best possible medical care. To make this possible, good friends and some supporters of my book project donated money to me. I have had the remainder credited to the vet. I still have €300 outstanding, which saddens me greatly, because Balu died on 8 April 2013 despite our fight against cancer. I had to have him put to sleep, which happened at home in my arms. 😪

If you don't have an animal yourself or are unable to form a close bond with animals, you probably won't understand the immense pain I felt. Baloo was my one and only. He was the only one who was always by my side when I was going through the worst phase of my life and even protected me if necessary when danger threatened. Which human does that?

At the same time, my equally beloved cat Felix was ill for a long time. He had FIV, which meant that his kidneys were slowly failing. So I wasn't just fighting for Balu's life, but also for Felix's existence for some time before that. I was practically a permanent guest at the vet to make sure they both got their regular treatments. I also loved this cat very much. He often lay in the dog basket with Balu, which was so cute to watch. The vet fees for Felix were covered by a very kind animal friend.

So I already knew at the beginning of 2023 that I would soon lose both of them. It's so depressing to have this knowledge in your head all the time. On top of that, my financial situation was extremely tight. This is because I lost my job some time ago and have been struggling to find suitable employment ever since. At the same time, I'm continuing to build up my book project, which involves high costs. 😣

Whether you like to read it or not, but a week before Balu's death, I seriously considered whether I should go to my death together with the two of them. For many reasons, I saw no reason to go on living. There was a day, just before Easter, when I planned exactly how I could organise the passing away gently for the three of us. I was so busy with that that the depression passed. At the end of the day, I fell asleep tired and happy because I had found a solution for what the perfect death could look like for us...💡

The following days made me think everything through again, especially as I still have 3 cats and they would definitely have to go to a shelter. Of course, that's just as bad as the illnesses of the other two. What can I say? As you can see now, I didn't take myself out of life, but bravely endured the euthanasia of Balu and, three months later, Felix too.

During this time, regular visits to a nearby animal shelter, where large old dogs had no one to walk them, gave me new courage to face life. I went there every 2nd day for a week after Balu's death and walked 3 large dogs for 5-6 hours. I was particularly touched by one of them, a very old male dog in poor health. His name is Torro. I did everything in my power to adopt him, because he was suffering a lot in the shelter. I only managed to adopt him because Felix's godmother promised to support me financially if I took him.

She is not rich herself, but she also has a big heart for animals.🐶🐱🐭🐹🐰

Pupa of a large moth after metamorphosis

So it came about that, after a few weeks of regular walks, Torro was adopted by me. Felix was still alive at the time. The cat was so valuable because he helped the new dog and the other cats to become friends. Felix was just a special cat and a pro with big dogs. :)Then, in July 2023, I also had to put Felix to sleep. It broke my heart again, but it had been clear to me for a long time. 🙈

Fortunately, the new (old) dog, with all his health problems, kept me on my toes so that the worst grief and the depression that came with it became manageable. I was unspeakably happy about that!

My financial situation, on the other hand, was still extremely tight and I thought several times that I would soon lose my flat. Fortunately, I have a very understanding landlord and people came along who recognised my professional potential and my great struggle. As far as possible, I sometimes receive financial support from them. So I plucked up new courage and ambitiously started writing applications. I've already had a few job interviews. Unfortunately, it was never enough to get an employment contract. I still have major financial worries as I only have small freelance jobs at the moment. Unfortunately, setting up my own business again (I was already successfully self-employed for a long time) is not something that can be realised overnight. 🙄

In terms of motivation: I am a very motivated and consistent person. However, with all these battles, it's really hard to keep pushing and cheering yourself on. There are days when I just can't take any more and need to rest a little so that I can find the strength to go into battle again. I have to say that I am happy and grateful that not only close old friends have stood by my side over the past year, but also my dear supporters and friends of my interactive book project. They have shown me a lot of understanding and patience for my writer's block. They also gave me comfort and support as much as they could. That helped me immensely! I was also enriched by getting to know two shamans who allowed me to look into new spheres and have also been supporting me mentally for some time. I know that may sound crazy, but only those who are in great need are prepared to explore other paths. I dared to take this step and have experienced wonderful things in the process...🧙‍♀️🪄

5.5 cm long pupa of a moth

But now to the metamorphosis: A good old friend of mine sent me my annual horoscope for 2024 a few days ago. It made good reading. It literally states:

"The transformer Pluto accompanies you through a development process of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. This will cause upheaval, but in the spirit of your self-realisation! What are your goals? Are you prepared to work towards them?"♒️

I liked what I read without really giving it any thought. However, a lot has happened since then, which has probably been fuelled by my subconscious, because I have new concrete plans to ensure that everything turns out well in the end.

Yesterday, while walking Torro, I found an impressive shell of a caterpillar in the grass, which turned into a large moth. It is probably the pupa of the palm moth. These are impressive, large, beautiful moths that can be found in Spain and elsewhere. They do not have the best reputation as they are blamed for the death of the palm trees in which they live. Nevertheless, they are beautiful and powerful and so I picked up the cocoon and took it home with me. It will now remind me that the New Year will definitely be better, because I'm finally going to fly again!

I'll keep fighting to earn enough again and I'll keep pushing the interactive book project forward. I will win!🦋

With this in mind, I wish everyone who has also had a tough past year a better future in 2024. Let's get on with it. It's sure to be exciting!

Happy New Year 🚀

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So... that was my brief review of 2023, thank you for reading! By the way, you can listen to the story again in my free podcast "Arsch statt Hirn", which you can also listen to and subscribe to on my website or on Spotify.🤗

I am very happy about every like, every nice comment and every recommendation! Also feel free to visit my social media channels "Space-Barbarella" on Instagram, Facebook, Tiktok, X, Youtube and Threads. The shop needs to get going now. You can help me and my many rescued animals 🙌

THANK YOU! 💋